


Moonrise (you pull me back like the gravity)

by repentantships



Category: UP10TION, VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, M/M, References to Depression, joseon era, mention of suicide, minor seungseok, seuncat, seungwooseok, seunseok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-03 04:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21173663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/repentantships/pseuds/repentantships
Summary: If only he could see himself in the mirror and told himself that they were not destined to be together. Seungwoo refused to believe that they were not and Wooseok could only believe that if they are meant to be, Seungwoo will come back to him.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> probably the most productive and longest fic I ever wrote (sobs). This kind of alternate universes in one fic has been my in most wanted to do list and FI-NA-LLY! Whew, took me awhile to write this. (pats my own back)
> 
> warning: heavily unbeta-ed

He could only stared at himself in the mirror. His smooth skin, well prepared in luxurious red shiny robe draped over his skinny figure, covering skin and bones. He sighed for the numerous time today. His chest ached at every breath and he, out of all people knew the reason best. They used to call him beautiful, handsome, god's best art—all those flattering words exists in this world.

Kin Wooseok is blessed with beauty and intelligence. But no luck. His father fell into the trap of an evil—utterly bad and irresponsible—King and had everything he loves taken from him. Including his one and only son. Wooseok could only cry day and night. His barely moved the view of his sight from the ground since that day, not until he realized he falls in love with the person he should not fall in love with.

He owed every single drop of his blood to his family when he realized the man he fell in love with is the Royal Price—son of the evil King. Just why, out of all the people he had to fall in love with him?

Prince Han, was so different compared to his father. He was the standard to all men, soldiers, and warriors. The royal prince was someone who has all the world right on top of his hold. And Wooseok was part of it. To make it even better, when they decided the Prince can choose whoever he wants to marry, tons of beautiful ladies lining up just to be his bride—the empress of this huge enormous kingdom. Wooseok _ didn't _, he never wished to be related to the royal family in any sort of way. He hated to relate himself to them. Enough with him forced to study day and night as royal's physician.

They met so many times, after the practice at royal school. After the prince accidentally fell off from the horse. Or after the war he was into. Wooseok never really talked to him, he would rather stay quiet than interacting with the Prince. To avoid any physical contact and to make sure his heart did not grow fuller for the Prince. But somehow he still did. Wooseok hated how naturally attractive the Prince was. His amazing built, all those muscles, that pale skin contrasting to his uncommonly dark hair. The huge dragon shaped tattoo on his back, told a story of his journey. Prince Han was not just like any other spoiled prince. He was well trained and knew his own worth as a prince. He was pride to the family, his father bragged all the time.

So then when they met again for the nth time, out of so many times they met for a treatment. This time, the Prince hurt his leg from a war with the neighboring kingdom. He thought it was just another day of doing his job as the physician. He was one of the best one in the royal palace. His mentor trusted him so much with the Prince and he never disappoints. Yet he never knew things will escalate to a way he could not imagine.

* * *

A letter came early in the morning. Today was a huge celebration for the family. The Prince finally turned twenty five years old. This family was slightly different compared to other royal families. In normal royal families a prince would have such a huge celebration on their twenty or even eighteenth birthday. However with the historical background of their family, twenty five years old was the age of where the prince would celebrate all the blessings he has. Their family lived longer than a lot of royal families and this celebration explained why.

The King himself, had a ton of consorts. He was back then almost once become the king's consort, but his mother begged and cried for exchange and replaced herself as the consort instead. Wooseok could still feel the pain from that time, he was still sixteen. Watching his mother sitting there with a dark expression on every single occasion of celebration. He knew she missed him too. And he missed his father.

Wooseok was keeping his own mind occupied, reading medical books about herbs and nervous system. He did not want to include himself in the party even if his mentor asked him to. He excused himself. He left the main palace and walked all the way to the hidden library where he kept himself shut out from all the noises of drunk officials and higher ups. Imagining himself being touched by them, really disgusted him. The lantern placed near his book almost out of source, he sighed as he stood up and closed the book on the small table placed near the corner of the room. He took the lantern and exited himself to the kitchen, thinking he would refill the lantern and went back to the library for another haul of books.

"Physician Kim!" A soft voice called for him, one of the maids rushed to where he came out. "Kim Minju, Why are you in such a rush? Did someone get hurt?"

Maid Kim shook her head, her face complexion looked pale. He was not sure what she tried to deliver. Her voice came out shaking as she scooted closer to him to whisper, "The King asks for you." His eyes widened, not even once he had ever been called by the King directly. He wondered and pondered really hard what could have the Kings wanted from him. His heart beat twice faster from fear. He thought over and over what kind of mistake he could have done to anger the King and resulted him summoning such a lowlife physician like him directly. "For what?" He carefully asked, heavily sweated from all the daunting thoughts. "It's...about the Prince. I'm not sure, but they ask me to summon you."

The Prince. He swore to Gods of Mountains and Skies he was extremely careful of the Prince's wounds and injuries. They had a check up just two days ago and most of the injuries were almost completely healed. No scratch and horrid scar left. He closed his eyes for a hot second and sighed in defeat. Not like he had any choice if they want him to be there.

Another row of maids came walking toward him, their expressions looked unreadable. He knew all of their names and faces. He gave them a confused look, before voicing out whatever was inside his mind. "What is going on?"

The empress came in last, with so much grace, but also a look of pity directed towards him. "Physician Kim, let's get dressed shall we?"

* * *

His mind went blank. So did the way he stared at the ground in front of him, noticing how the floor was covered in best quality wood, personally crafted to fit the whole design of each room. The empress in front of him seemed to wait for his response. Everything flew by really fast through his right ear and left his left ear just like that. His brain tried to connect each dot, but he still didn't understand. Why him?

Out of so many beautiful candidates to become the prince's partner, why choose someone like him?

"You don't like it, Physician Kim?" Wooseok lifted his view from a boring stare at the ground to the Empress. "N-No, I'm honored. However, I still don't understand why chooses me?" She smiled and started explaining how it came down to him,_ The Prince _, as their decision. It should be a woman, traditionally. Yet the Prince refused to pick anyone. He had someone in his mind. Of course, his father was extremely shocked by his choice. Kim Wooseok was the Prince's choice. He really had zero idea how it came to this. They never talked, even more developing any romantic feelings for each other—aside from Wooseok blaming himself every single time for falling deeper for the Prince. He never thought of how the Prince would develop the same exact feeling.

A knock on the door successfully brought him almost onto a cardiac arrest. Every single second felt so nerve wrecking to him. He really had no idea and time to paced himself back to sanity. Everything was just so overwhelming that he couldn't say a word not even to reassure himself that everything would be fine. _ He will be fine, right? _

The door opened, revealing the tall familiar figure. He could smell the unique scent of the Royal Prince. He was standing tall in front of him, with the same pride and same expression he used to so much of. That he sometimes knew the Prince too well that he might be able to tell what the Royal Prince was thinking. But today, he did not dare to lift his eyes. He got a chill down to spine, just from the thought of interlocking their eyes. "Good evening, Physician Kim?" The voice was incredibly soft like velvet, resembled so much of the gracefulness of the empress. The Prince had always been said to take after his mother more than his father. From the delicate but sharp features to personality. "Can we have a time for privacy? I have something to tell him." Ushering all the maids and The Empress herself to leave the room. They all bowed to him before leaving the room. Wooseok was there, sitting nervously. The luxurious robe felt foreign to him. The silk against his skin felt too smooth, that he was scared it might slip out from his narrow shoulders.

He could feel the presence of the Prince walking closer to him. His back felt incredibly warm and his chest was fuzzy from too much thought of facing the Prince. This must be a lie, why would the prince have any romantic feelings for me? Even if the sense of it was true, he could not imagine the wrath from the King. Just how mistreated he will be from the amount of hatred harbored by the King. He might as well got killed within three days.

"Kim Wooseok." The Prince called. Wooseok slowly and carefully looked up to the Prince. His fingers delicately brushed on his chin and lifted his face without much hesitation. He was the Prince after all. He could clearly see the soft smile from the Prince, but Wooseok could only think of his fear of the dear life. He did not want this or whatever they were putting him into. He just wanted to live normally, learning about medicines and herbs like he usually did. That was supposed to be his job, not this. Not to be the Prince's romantic partner. "Are you scared?" Tears almost slipped out from the brim of his eyes. His heart beat so fast, painfully pounding against his rib cage. His breath hitched and he could not think of anything but—he did love this man in front of him for so long. But why was he so scared when the man himself also loves him back?

"Your majesty, I'm not ready for th-"

"I love you." Sounds like a lie. "I swear to God you don't know how much I love you." A big, fat, lie.

His eyes felt incredibly heavy. His mind and heart dissonance in the most agonizing way. He loved this man, but loving him was a disgrace to his dead father. _ Father, I'm very sorry. Mother, I'm very sorry _. His head chanted that many times that his mind was about to bend and break. His was extremely scared. This was his first time, he was not expecting any of this not even his dreams. Tears eventually fell down, dampened his rosy cheeks. He loved this man so much, but loving this man was forbidden. He betrayed his family just from loving one man he should had not fallen in love.

Prince Han watched him and scooted their bodies closer. "Why are you crying? Did you hurt somewhere?" Wooseok shook his head. The back of his head pounded so loudly and his ears were ringing from the amount of distress of getting married to such family, who tore his family apart. Yet his heart belonged to this man. The Prince expression dimmed as he sees how devastated his future husband was, "You hate this?" he whispered so closely to his ear. "I-I don't." Wooseok stuttered, he was not sure and this only confused him even more.

"Your Majesty,"

"Hm?"

"I love you too." Wooseok finally confessed, surrendering to his own emotions. The same emotion he had buried for a long time. He loved the Prince and now when their feelings were mutual, he had no choice but to bend to that emotion. His pride was thrown out of the window, old and no longer needed. No matter how much he tried to protect his family nothing worked when he had no power to that at all. His mother was probably heartbroken knowing this eventually will happen to not just her, but also her own son. _ Mother, I will be happy. Please be happy to. _

The Prince handled him, oh, so delicately as if he were made out of glass. He could feel the stares from the majesty, admiring him like a piece of art. His longs digits were tracing every inch of his skin. That large palms cupped his face, pulling them closer. Their eyes stared at each other. Wooseok lost to himself, to his own naive emotion. But somehow it never felt like he lost. The Prince drove closer and their nose bumped in the most loving way. He could hear the Prince whispering his name, gentle and exquisite. Their lips touched in the most tender kiss he ever experienced. Not that he ever kissed, but he didn't expect a kiss would be so soft like this. The moon was high up in the sky, reflecting its light on them, blessing them in most possible way.

_ He will be happy. At last. _

* * *

The more they touch the more he felt less of his worth. Prince Han pressed a soft kiss on his temple, down to his cheeks, peppering butterfly kisses to his face. He could feel all the love, the affections—the amount of emotion put into every kiss they shared. Wooseok was crazy in love with this man, so did the Prince. They could have all day for themselves, but undoubtedly they could not. He sighed at every time Prince Han held his waist tight, sliding that bony fingers underneath his royal robe. _ Green suits you, he murmurs against his ear. _ The Prince never ceased to praise him, his beauty, everything about him.

"How are you today?" The Prince had always been so gentle with him. Never failed to make him feel so loved and so treasured whenever they were together. It always amazed him how the Prince could be two different people—soft and warm in front of him and cold and firm in front of his people. He was strict and discipline in front of the people, royals, and his father. But always so loving, drunk in affections whenever his eyes landed on his bride. The most beautiful bride.

Despite the fact Wooseok was married to the Prince, he still could not be the empress. The father could never let them live happily like any folktales told by the elders. There was no fairies and goddess of love to grant their wishes. Wooseok most of the time had to love as a mere consort, but that didn't discredit the love the Prince—Han Seungwoo—had for him.

"I feel great today. The new medical books arrived this morning. Thank you, Your-"

"Seungwoo." The Prince corrected him, with a smile painted on his face. His warm hand made its way to his beloved bride's face, caressing it lovingly.

"Seungwoo." Wooseok repeated, still feel foreign to the tip of his tongue.

They were so in love that it pained him. They made love at every chance they have, to the point Seungwoo would spend all of his day in his place instead accompanying his empress. Seungwoo, honestly was not really fond of his new empress. They had never been in love in the first place. He had his heart entirely owned by this beautiful creature under him, writhing for more warmth and friction. Panting hard as he pushed the limit, driving the bride insane. He had done it the same with empress, solely to please his parents. Solely to birth off the new heir of their kingdom. It hardly worked, they _ tried _. And Seungwoo never felt the same contentment as he was when making love with the beloved consort.

It just did not work with him.

He watched how the green silk robe slides of Wooseok's shoulder gracefully. Never been so breathtaking like this, he had craved for the younger man for so long. At least it had been a week since they met. Seungwoo could not really avoid his new responsibility as the new leader in the kingdom. So many people demanded for his attention and he could not even spend a second for the half fraction of his soul. "You like the books?" He knew, Wooseok enjoys reading medical books—it has been his passion for so long. And he was glad he has all the privilege to obtain all the books in the country. He himself enjoyed reading, he would spend all day reading books of philosophy and poetry to understand his ancestors. Only come to realize nothing was more powerful than love and care. His father definitely didn't see things the same way as he did, but what can he do when he is born to be loyal?

Wooseok looked at him, way more affectionate, less fearful than the first time he proposed the man. The proposal itself was not the most romantic proposal anyone can come up with. He was bad with that, but the nature of his family of entitlement and superiority made it worse. He knew clearly the bride was extremely fearful of whatever comes ahead of him. Wooseok was just a normal child with dreams before all the debacle of his father stripping his family down off their wealth. He heard the story, he knew how much the bride has grown a resentment towards his family. And to think they were now sharing the same emotion felt so unreal to him.

He pressed peppering kisses on the smooth skin, nipping down at the consort's collarbones. Wooseok let out a wonton moan, gripped stronger on the Prince's broad shoulders. Their breath mixed in a good amount of heat shared between them. "Wooseok," the Prince breathed out his name like he was the most desirable thing. "Ah-Seungwoo, not there," he panted, pushing their bodies closer. Seungwoo trailed lower to his chest, nipping on the skin also one bud while playing with the other side. Wooseok almost lost his sanity from the amount of lust clouding his mind. His robe rode up to his hips, revealing his sides and bottom cheeks. Seungwoo slid his hands underneath his garments, pressing a hard squeeze on one side of his cheek.

"Beautiful," the Prince murmured. He stopped on his track and looked to the angel above him. God, he might combusted into petals just from the thought of this man. Such a beautiful bride, he would not let a single needle hurt him. If that costs his life, he will gladly put himself on the line. "You're the most beautiful, you know that?" He could tell Wooseok's face heathened at the praise. He liked how the younger male responded, he rarely replied with a word, but simple gesture like that satisfied him. So lovely and adoring.

Forehead pressed against each other, warm breath mixed, and all they could think of was holding each other tight like the world might come to an end. Wooseok couldn't stop moving his hips against the Prince, letting out wontons of moans and satisfactions "Oh God, I can't. A-ah!" But Seungwoo kept hitting the same spot over and over again, sending a lightning speed of pleasure through their peripheral nerves. Wooseok felt so tight, holding him close pushing the most out of him. Despite the fact that they had done this so many times, Wooseok still couldn't get used to the Prince. It was overwhelming, but he liked it a lot. He missed the sensation of the Prince pushed through his limit, sending him to oblivion.

Their pace got faster as Wooseok could not handle the sensation any longer. His mind was hazed by the pleasure hitting him over and over again, sending him to the edge of his sanity. He was about to free fall and Seungwoo was there to catch him. 

"A-ah, no, not there-" Wooseok moaned once more in a higher pitch voice, reaching the end of the rope. Seungwoo pushed further trying to reach for his end, groaning loudly as he came down from his high with his seeds filled the bride to the brim. They could have tens of kids with the amount of love making they had, but unfortunately that was not how it worked in this universe.

Wooseok tried to catch his breath, calming down all his nerves. The Prince was still inside him, stretching his abdomen as they're coming down from the high amount of pleasure. It did come to his senses making love like this, if he was a woman—he could have been his empress. They could have led a happy life. They could have changed all the bad of this kingdom. They shared that view, but no one supported it. Even nature was against their love. "What are you thinking?" The Prince leaned back to the wall, supporting his and his lover's weight.

"Us, what we could have been, if I was different." Wooseok replied, his voice is hoarse, so close to letting out a tear slipped. He had been depressed over the same thing for so long. The fuss about having a child was giving even more pressures to him. He was scared that one day Seungwoo will no longer love him. He was no longer needed, not worth to keep. He did not know where to go and there were tens and hundreds of beautiful candidates to replace him anytime the Prince wanted to.

There were a lot of times he doubted himself, his existence, his fate, and his love for the Prince. He was scared—incredibly. In a world where a low life like him existed just to serve, he could be replaced anytime. But the thoughts kept being told off untrue. The Prince always proved him wrong, broke his doubt into pieces. Making all the doubts he had for himself and everyone to be just another sad thoughts of being unwanted. _ "Even in my next life, I would still ask for the same Kim Wooseok. You're perfect, I could not have asked for anything better." _

He hardly believed this, but thinking of the future was meaningless when he had no control of it. Thinking back, it was no use to despise his past and cursed out his future when he has a moment like this in the present. He might not know what will happen between them. But for sure, if they were meant to be they will meet again in their next life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's...yeah, I love to write vague things so the whole alternate universes in another universes sh*t will be lowkey explained. I hope I didn't make this too boring, I tried to work on better writing styles, but gurl is just too stupid to write like JK Rowling or whoever writes prettily.
> 
> BUT THANK YOU FOR READING THOUGH<3
> 
> Also self promotion, if you're interested in my other AUs you can go check out here


	2. Two Hearts Do Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even in his dreams Wooseok seems to be happier.

Waking up again, with the same aching back and empty bed. Wooseok is used to this, but this time the bed is still warm.  _ He left probably not a while ago _ . He forces himself out of bed, walking out of the room with just a loose shirt hanging on his small frame. The room smells like them— disgustingly the man's cologne, but he never complains. He secretly loves it. But again, the smell will fade within hours and then he will miss the man again for the next five days. What an idiotic cycle that he puts himself into. Who he is to complain when it's all his decision to begin with?

The apartment feels empty, not that it ever feels any more lively than it should have been. The place only originally has himself, alone, sitting in front of TV watching Chef Baek Jongwon teaching all the old men cooking some simple dishes to keep them survive whenever their wife decides to take a break and goes on holiday. Wooseok sits there, lost in his thoughts, while pondering on random things.

He dreamt of the same thing for several nights already. He can't recall what exactly he dreamt of. He can only tell it felt like something he would have seen in a historical drama. But he barely watches those type dramas. The other night he dreamt of him and Seungwoo had sex, in weird looking clothes that he assumes definitely not from the twenty first century.  _ Probably because I watch to much drama? Or is that my kink? _ He thinks to himself. But whenever he tries to recall, his chest would ache. Or sometimes, it aches without a warning. He is worried at first if he has some medical problems. A potential to cardiac arrest will be very alarming for him.

He is only twenty four years old, for God's sake.

Though the dream does not matter. He notices that he dreams of it whenever he feels lonely. He always feels lonely apparently. Even more with the newly growing relationship he has with his old college mate. A senior he met at an event the faculty is holding. They used to work together, then somehow drifted apart after the senior graduated. But then Seungwoo, the senior, comes back to his life, unannounced, and they had sex. None of them ever try to clear up the relationship. Okay, maybe they are friends with benefits. Sex as benefits is not bad for the deal he thought. But then he thinks over and over again—they're not even friends. So what kind of friendship they're talking about?

Wooseok, for the longest time has fallen in love with this one particular senior. Seungwoo is charming, very kind, and affectionate. They used to be very close, so close, to the point people wondered if they are dating. However, Seungwoo pretty much killed those assumptions with a- _ "what are you guys talking about? I like girls." _

Yeah, say that to all of those nights of them having a hot steaming gay sex. He was clearly there laying down with his whole penis up against a man's buttocks and he is still going to say he likes girls? Some people do tell lies despite their personality. He is utterly amused.

He tries to look for an answer to his dreams. Maybe he needs to go to a dream interpreter. But where to find someone with such a peculiar person? He sighs, pulling out his phone and scrolls down to every google search pops up on his screen. With a country like South Korea, they definitely has people with spiritually based occupation. Dream interpreter should not be a hard one to find. His eyes land on a certain site that everybody knows. A question and answer based site and they have a whole forum talking about dream interpretation. He scans the forum without missing a single information. A temple? Shaman? Fortune Teller? They all might have the ability to interpret his dream. But one particular word catches his attention.

_ Madam Son is really good. I went to her place for her to read my fortune, she can even tell me which day I would dream of something. And told me what will happen if I dream of it. Everyone should try. _

He is baffled by the fact someone actually believes in that. However, he is really curious. He has never been a person with a deep spiritual belief. He hardly even went to church whenever his parents forced him too. In particular after he discovers himself as gay, he hardly finds a comfort in such a religious place. All they do to him is belittling him and not even supportive of his decision. He likes men, and so what?

Not a single text come from Seungwoo.  _ Not a single text _ , he didn't even ask if he left his socks in my apartment. "That bastard," he says under his breath. It has been three days and Seungwoo doesn't even bother to say a thing. Not even a thank you for keeping his libidio relieved when he has no one to have sex with—because apparently no girls could satisfy him. Wooseok feels like he is plplayi a whole circus in this relationship.

Saying it like this makes Seungwoo sound like an asshole. He really is not. He is a really nice person, a family-warm guy. Very dependable and very responsible of all people around him. Seungwoo has great leadership skills and able to occupy all the need of others. A Husband material. He is not going to deny it, even when they're having sex Seungwoo has been so gentle with him. The older man cherishes him so much that sometimes it gave him a weird idea of how they might be actually dating. The sex with him doesn't feel like sex—it feels more like making love. As if love and affections really involves in it, when the fact it's not.

With a job like his sometimes he really wants to work on the left task on holiday, but when he is extremely busy when he wants to take a break. Funny how humans always regret their decision, but Wooseok enjoys his job regardless. Being a wedding organizer is a fun, but also an angst experience on his side. Watching how beautiful and grand wedding ceremony unfolds before his eyes. His favorite part of the job would be preparing for the decoration, doing surveys on bride's preferences and match making the layout and their wedding dress. His clients really like his works, aside from the fact he is really attractive and has that soft flower boy looks that a lot of women likes.

And sometimes when you're extremely good in doing your job, your friends would rely on you more. Being more trustworthy, gives him more chances to explore himself. Wooseok likes that and his friends have been the people who helped him a lot on expanding his career. But it doesn't sound particularly pleasing when someone whom he wishes to not ask for his help, does call for his help.

_ Wooseok, I need your help. -hsw _

_ About what? -kws _

_ Wedding organizing? -hsw _

_ You're getting married? -kws _

_ Nah, my sister. I could only think of _

_ you when it comes to these kind of things. -hsw _

_ Wow, texting me when either _

_ you're horny or need help huh -kws _

_ Look, I'm sorry. I have been so busy. _

_ I tried to call you, but all my staff are chasing _

_ me around and I have things that need to be done _

_ by the end of this week. Sorry. -hsw _

_ It's fine. It's not like we're dating or what anyway _

_ Just want to let you know you left your socks and _

_ tie in my apartment. -kws _

_ Sorry, I'll pick it up once I have  _

_ time to go there -hsw _

_ I'll put it in the laundry. -kws _

_ Thanks. You're the best. -hsw _

He really dislikes repeating the same thing over and over again. But then if he doesn't then who will remind him that his relationship with Seungwoo is nothing over just a mere need for sex? He should have known better that all the gigs of having friends with benefits pretty much killed when emotion is involved. Again, Seungwoo himself never really specify their relationship to any category; be it they're just there just to get laid or emotion might as well mixed between the two.

Sometimes he would just sigh, thinking how things never work for his romantic life.  _ Why the hell I fall for him of all people? Why him when who has a lot of people chasing him down the lane just to get laid? _ He clearly knows the answer but still ask the same question to himself every morning, at every wake of the dawn. He stands up with so much effort, untangling the laziness off his shoulders and limbs. Slowly, picking up all the trails of clothes—his and Seungwoo's. At this point they sound very domestic. Definitely not the normal one night stands or even friends with benefits. He, on the other side, slightly believes at least a platonic emotion involves. Seungwoo always does have that emotion going on. He is someone with an overflowing affections and it's not a lie that Wooseok at least wishes Seungwoo thinks they're close friends.

He throws the dirty clothes to the laundry basket and starts dunking it to the washing machine. He watches the machine spins, spiralling into his gaze and takes his mind away from the reality within just a couple of seconds. His thoughts fly off the roof, thinking of nothingness. The dream, it doesn't stop right there, he believes. It felt too real that he is scared, but also curious. All he can think of is all the folktales and beliefs of reincarnation. That's an old—very old folktales. His grandmother used to tell him stories related to reincarnations so many times, telling him to be a good person just so he can be reborn as a better, luckier person in the next life. He wonders, if he dies one day, would he rather reborn as the same person or not?

To be reborn as a mere stone sounds more appealing somehow. No more dealing with dissonance between his logic and feeling.

Three more days and nothing more after that. Seungwoo's sister did come to his apartment for a small talk about her wedding. It won't be anything grand and luxurious. She wants it to be simply like a garden party. All the closest friends and family will be invited. "Oh, will that be too much if you could help me find a wedding dress? I still have no idea of a good place for it," Wooseok does not turn the offer. He likes to help searching for the dress as well, easier for him to design the whole decoration. His team will handle themselves on everything else.

"I have a lot of suggestions, let me grab my catalogues." He stands up and walks to his working room, full of papers, designs, and wedding catalogues. He scrambles to the most recent wedding magazines stacked on the desk and brings them over to the dinner table. Sunhwa—the sister, is standing there observing one particular cup. "Seungwoo slept over here a lot?" She lifts up that one cup that is certainly not his. It has a special design to it that probably only Sunhwa would recognize. Even he himself has no idea what the cup means to the older male.

He tries to look for an excuse, something that sounds like they're  _ just friends.  _ Nothing more. Anything that won't make it sound like they're having an affair or something scandalous. "He crashes here a lot of times especially when he has to go to work early. It's less traffic from here he said."  _ Good excuse, good excuse. _ Sunhwa doesn't peer for more information which he is very thankful of. He really can't think of anything right now. Not with the thought of the sister is sitting there on the sofa, where they had sex a couple of nights ago. He can't be more sorry than that.

"Oh, Seungwoo said he will come over." Sunhwa looks up from her phone as she scans the wedding magazines. "What?" Wooseok sounds a lot more surprised than he should be, gaining a suspicious look from her.

"He didn't tell you?"

"I haven't checked my phone." Making another excuse. In fact he has been checking his phone a lot more frequent for the past two days. Hoping,  _ hoping for,  _ Seungwoo to at least left him a message. Anything, just let him feel better with a single  _ okay or I'll see you soon. _ "He said he finished all his job for the week. Then he will crash here?" Sunhwa says as if it's nothing of a big deal.  _ Too much information, Han Seungwoo.  _ He lowly curses to himself. "O-Oh, yeah, we promised to watch soccer tonight. I suppose it's tonight." Sunhwa chuckles at his answer, definitely not sensing anything suspicious.

"Boys always be boys huh?"

He laughs along, though not really sharing the same exact thoughts as Sunhwa does.

* * *

Seungwoo enters the apartment like it's his own. Wooseok does not bother, but Sunhwa does. Flocking on his broad shoulders and gives him a light smack at the back of his head. "Have some manners, no matter how often you came here it's still not your house!" Seungwoo scrunches his nose, annoyed by his sister. She is right, they're not even sharing this apartment. Seungwoo comes and goes only opt to his heart desires. "Wooseok is fine with it so why are you complaining!"

Sunhwa gives him another glare and looks back at him mouthing a— _ sorry for bothering you like this. _ He smiles back, pretending he is entirely not bothered. Just being kind and considerate. He does not hate it either, the habit of Seungwoo coming to his place like he is a place to return to. It gets to him how domestic their dynamic has turned into and it might not be healthy for his heart. He realizes that after sitting on the couch, pondering of things. So many things, including sorting out his feelings for the older male despite doing that for years already. He will not get tired of this anytime soon, he thinks. "I think I'll take my leave now. I have a date with my fiancé." She picks up her bag and several wedding dress catalogues on the other side of her hand, bidding goodbyes to the two grown up men.

The door closes and leaves just both of them alone. Acting unbothered. But Wooseok is bothered by that thought.

* * *

Lips locking and hands won't stop travelling each other's skin. Wooseok gasps for air, humping dry against the taller male who is now pushing him against the armrest of the couch. He can feel Seungwoo's hand are taking baby steps, carefully, from caressing his jaw tenderly and down to underneath his oversized shirt. "You look cute in this shirt." Seungwoo praises.  _ Stop, don't say it. _ His face is turning red from the amount of lust piling up on his body, pushing the limits through the roof. Wooseok is very much stimulated, but his heart screams the opposite.

Seungwoo grabs his waist and drags them closer. Body presses to each other, not letting an inch of gap between them. He can feel the warmth of the older male against his chest. Their heart is amazingly beating on the same exact pace. Breathing hard to catch up for another round of kisses and make outs. Wooseok is dizzy from all the thirst. He wants more, but this starts to not feel right to him. Seungwoo breaks the kiss and presses a soft kiss onto the side of his ear, whispering adoring names, as if they are lovers. Wooseok can feel the tightness in his chest.  _ I don't want this.  _ Moans escapes from his lips, despite that. He exhales in defeat. He will never win against Seungwoo or himself.

But somehow he pushes the man towering him right before he tucks his pants away, going in for a round of make love. "Stop." Wooseok warns him, stern without a single quiver in his voice. It's loud and clear that Wooseok does not want anything further. He stands up, devastatingly walks to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He can still sense the lingering sensation of Seungwoo's lips pressing against every inch of his body. He is sick of this. His heart breaks every night, but the shatter is so loud tonight that he can't ignore that. "What's wrong?" Seungwoo asks, absentmindedly, without a single clue or hint of what is going on. The atmosphere tenses, but only for the apartment owner.

"I don't want to do this." Wooseok puts down the cup on his hold.

"You don't want to do it tonight? Well, we can do it tomor-"

"No!" The glass cup shattered into pieces against the hard counter. He has enough of this. Enough of hurting himself and it's time to end everything—once for all. For the good and for the bad.

"I don't want to do this anymore. This whole defeat of- what are we actually? Sex buddy? So what's with that soft talks? Fuck that hyung, I don't get it. I thought we're clear that no emotion should be involved. But here we are. God I sound so stupid, but oh wait, I am. Fuck this, I don't want to do this anymore."

He can clearly see the confusion on the taller male's eyes. His expression is pretty distorted and he is trying to piece all of the bullshit spat out. Wooseok is tired of this—of the whole pseudo-relationship he has been putting on the table as an excuse to keep seeing this man at least once a week.

"What do you mean?"

The question just angered him even more. Wooseok huffs lowly, rolling his eyes back trying so hard not to cry right there. He looks at the man once again. "I'm going to sleep. You think of that yourself. I'm finished." Walking away just like that, throws the door closes as he locks himself in the room. He is over this.

_ It's over. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so—I can explain.


	3. What It Takes: Karma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He told Wooseok that everything was mere illusion and only get the younger male hurt even more despite the fact that he is aware of all these debacles of tangled emotions are not real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do I keep hurting myself life this

Seungwoo there stands like a stupid old clock his grandfather own at their family house. His head tries to process every bit of Wooseok. His words, his emotions, the way he conveys himself so abruptly like that. In the middle of their incredibly steaming make out and somehow it stops just like that. Leaves him hanging, like a mad rutting dog. Very out of character. He wonders if it's because of the lack of his sensibility on noticing other's emotions. Or it's because he has been ignoring Wooseok for so long that he forgets—the man in his hold a couple of minutes ago also has his own heart and feelings to consider. His breathes out, slightly shaking. His knees are weak and everything spins.

It clicks to him, but he wishes he doesn't realize that.

His heart stops beating for a second, scared. Isn't sure why he is scared.  _ But it feels too familiar _ . Wooseok left him alone just like that in the dim kitchen with pieces of shattered glass spread through the counter. His chest feels incredibly tight that it's hard to breath. All the oxygen stops coming through his head that he thought that he was brain dead. Might as well losing all his brain cells. Seungwoo can't think of anything, but picking up all the shattering glasses, pricking himself on a finger, but he feels numb.

The emotion is peculiarly not foreign to him that other things don't matter. Throwing all the shattered glasses away, he starts walking to the bedroom, knocking on the door. No answer. "Wooseok?" He hears nothing, but small, inaudible cry echoing. "Wooseok? Please open the door."

_ "Go away. Go home." _ He bites his lower lip, nervous. "Wooseok, please. Let's talk."

They pause. The world stops spinning for a hot minute, before he hears another answer. 

_ "I don't need you anymore." _

Maybe, if he can hear himself that's probably the sound of his own heart shatters just like that cup. Oh, Wooseok  _ loved _ that cup. It was a souvenir he bought from Dubai while he was on a business trip. That day was amazing, a warm cuddle, intense make out, finished with remarkable countless hot sex. They went for rounds and rounds to the point they might have went into galactical climax and could not get out of bed for days. It was great, he enjoyed it.  _ They  _ enjoyed it. So where did things go wrong?

He can't think of anything but leave. Guessing that is what Wooseok want from telling him off that. Wooseok does not need him anymore. It leaves a huge wound to him, hence it drives him even crazier and even more confused to why things drastically change like this. He picks up his suit and steps out. It has been a good time, but his heart seems to won't leave with him. He can't bring himself to understand— _ why? _

They are what? Sex buddy. Friends with benefits. One or more simple night stands. He can name all the similar names to describe their relationship, but does that matter? Yes, they do have sex. But are they buddies? Yes they share benefits— _ sex— _ but are they friends? The words from that night successfully hit the home run and takes away his sanity out of the stadium. He has been sleepless for days thinking of it. No, thinking of what they had turned into. He knew that he had been so ego-centric that he forgot about Wooseok. But he is not even sure where did things go wrong for them. It was fine until Wooseok snapped and suddenly they no longer know each other.

He pushes himself to think, to try everything he could. Wooseok shuts him away from his world. He closes the door and builds an entire wall to keep him away. Seungwoo wants to peek in once again, fixing where he had them wrong, but the latter pushes him away.  _ "I don't need you anymore." _

_ Wooseok does not need him anymore _ . So what does that mean to him? 

* * *

"So you love him?" Byungchan can only pinpointing one conclusion from all the mess Seungwoo is dwelled into. His friend is drunk, groaning like a mad man. "I don't know." The older can only sigh and chugs another glass of beer. The bitter sizzle passes down his throat is burning like hell. Byungchan never tested his drinking capacity to the limit, but guessing how wrecked his friend is maybe he will today.

Byungchan rolls his eyes, pouring him another beer. "You don't know? Just say you love him and let's go home."

He can see Seungwoo sits in front of him, has his face buried on his palms. Byungchan knows how messy their relationship was. For so long, he wanted to say something about it. Wanting to make sure this one friend of his is not hurting anyone because sometimes, Seungwoo does. When he did most of the time he did not know. Everybody assumes they're dating, though they never say anything. Their friends from their university and even their colleagues from work. Seungwoo has no idea about how people perceived him as. He is a mere supervisor to himself when he is talking about his role to a lot of people. Successful, rich, and handsome wall street broker—is how people perceive him. But Byungchan knows better.

"What? Just say it." Seungwoo always knows when the younger has something to say, but holds himself from doing so. "You hurt him. He likes you—no, it's probably love. The sex hurts him. He wants more.  _ But you don't want anything from him other than the pleasure." _

Sometimes, Han Seungwoo deserves a slap to bring him back to reality. They're both now all sober (Byungchan was never that drunk to begin with). "You're a really shitty person for someone so nice,  _ hyung. _ " He needs someone to be extremely honest and brutal, so he knows what is wrong. Now that someone did say something, it only makes him feel a lot worse. His conscience is conflicting with his own behavior. So many dissonances and Seungwoo starts to question himself. He feels so repugnant.

He looks up to the younger,  _ a eureka? _ And his expression goes dim in a matter of seconds. "I love him. I always do." He mutters and dunks another litre of beer. Oh, so he knows.  _ He knows. _ "My ego got the best of me. I'm scared that he will only get hurt."

"But  _ voila!  _ now you hurt him. What then?" Byungchan sarcastically replied with an unamused expression.

"I thought doing this will keep him away from getting hurt. I really didn't know if he will feel that way." 

This guy is an idiot. Byungchan breathes out, almost lashes out at his senior. A lot of times he thinks Han Seungwoo is a very admirable person. But also a lot of times he thinks his conception of the older is slightly distorted. Like today. "You want to protect him? Then protect him by assuring him you won't leave him. Your feelings for him is real. Telling someone everything is mere illusion will only get the person hurt even more despite the fact that he is aware of all these debacle are not real!"

Byungchan almost punch him in the face for real that day. "Sometimes you're just so stupid."

He is right,  _ he is stupid. _

* * *

Wooseok wakes up with bloated face, tired and pained from too much crying. He has been crying every night, letting out all the frustration that never ends. A part of him is regretting his own decision for pushing Seungwoo away, but he knows better than anybody his own happiness is a lot more important than anyone else’s. Aside from that, the dream keeps coming back. He really does not know at this point if the dream is a sign to something else or a mere manifestation of his own desires. He desires to have his feelings accepted and returned by the older male. Desires to be loved as much as he loves the older male—just like in the dream. Curiosity grows as the dream keeps appearing at the back of his head. The dream keeps stopping at such a cliffhanger; both of them sitting near the window staring up to the moon and shared a soft kiss.

His stomach churns at the thought.

The kiss felt so real and full of mutual emotion. Even in his sleep his life is seem to be much better. He is jealous and the thought just keeps pushing him through the peak unstability, crying and regretting really does not change much. 

It has been weeks, Wooseok still talks with Sunhwa. She really likes working with him, they share so many similarities and preferences. The work has been doing him so well and is all he can focus on for the time being. It distracts him away from the pain, maybe it is time for him to stop longing for someone who is not meant to be his.

He falls asleep once again, but this time without any tears slipped out of him soaking his pillow wet. He starts to accept that things do move around him. Changes in life is sometimes what you need to heal. Time finally does heal the pain after such a long wait. His mind is far off wander in a dreamland, place he is uncannily familiar. 

It’s a house, very huge and feels lonely just like any other mansion he passes through every morning to his workplace. The house is built in a very traditional way, very common in a certain era. 

“Consort Kim.” A stern voice, full of ego echoed behind him. He turned around looking for the voice in a dim light. His eyes scanned through the large hall and saw one woman ellegantly walked with a soft smile—somehow did not feel friendly at all. He heard it clear, a consort he was. “You sure seem to have some guts to show your face here.” Again with that trademark smile of hers. Her voice was so smooth and gentle yet pricks his heart like a needle. She was making her way down to murder his confidence with the way she looked at him. A woman sitting up on such a high pedestal like her will only make a commoner like him felt a lot smaller.

He did not know what to reply, his brain can’t recall a thing he had been pondering for the past five minutes. “Give him a break, I’m the one who asked him to come.” A man with a monarch attire, very similar in materials to the Royal Prince walking in gracefully. He smiled like they are old friends. The woman could only scowl at him in annoyance, once again giving her no space to intimidate a fellow consort. She walked away with her maids leaving him alone with the unknown man.

_ Seungyoun. Cho. _ His heart skipped a beat, nervous with just the idea of the man. Such a familiar name and a familiar face. “It has been awhile. You sure look even more beautiful than ever.”

Wooseok laughed shyly, lightly hitting him in the arm. He did know this man, who looked almost too different from the way he recognized the latter. They grew up together, used to play on the field behind the palace when they were younger. It had been only five years since then and he couldn't recognize the face. Seungyoun—the Young Prince grew up into a very fine man. Just like his step brother. “You changed a lot, but not how you talk.” Wooseok smiled, very glad to see his childhood friend was now standing in front of him. He remembered how Seungyoun used to be shorter than him and now the man was topping him almost two heads away. Royal treatment surely made a difference.

All the memories of them playing together, how Wooseok worked so hard to coax him to study because Seungyoun prefers learning musical instrument and swordsmanship than reading liberal art and political literature. He remembered how Seungyoun always fascinated by how he created potions and finding herbs he never knew the name of near the hill behind their palace. “I’m sorry, I realize I should not have said that. You are my brother’s wife, now,” Seungyoun looked away, embarrassed by his own action. He had always been a man with the sweet talks and it was not something new to Wooseok. Seungyoun had always been so open on showing his romantic interest on Wooseok, yet sadly he could not reciprocate knowing they had no chance back then.

Not even once, he thought of one day that he will be married to the Royal Prince and now they are a family. It was beyond his imagination.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just a consort anyway. Like  _ she  _ said.” Referencing to another consort confronting him a moment ago. He looked down, not wanting to show a disappointment being too obvious on his expression. Seungyoun was really good at reading his face—even more his heart. The Young Prince knew too well how much Wooseok loves the Royal Prince. Seungyoun reached out his palm and lifted the consort’s face looked at him in the eye. They both smiled at each other, feeling the breeze and petals of flowers falling down on such a coincidental occasions.

It felt like the time stops when their eyes meet. Wooseok held his breath away and thought to himself. He wondered how two Princes of such a noble family could fall for him. Maybe he did have an attractive appearance, but there are tons of people in the kingdom with just as good if not better appearance than him. “If just not because my brother is in love with you,” Seungyoun blurted out.

_ “You could have been mine.” _


	4. Power and Entitlement.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Power and fear did things to everyone, _ even to the kind hearted ones _

Seungwoo wakes up to a bitter after taste at the back of his palette. His throat is dried up from the amount of alcohol. Head pounding like crazy, spinning as if the world might come to an end successfully shaking the insides of his digestive system. His legs barely managed to drag himself to the bathroom, pouring out all the insides of his stomach. This is the worst hangover he ever experienced.

He leans back to the cold bathroom door, gripping tight the hem of his shirt. "What was that." He mutters, returning his memory back to all pieces of unknown clips inside his mind. It was all in his dreams—of him watching Wooseok and a very familiar man. He knew that man, but who?—standing there watching the scene passed. He can’t really remember, it has been too many times he went through the same cycle of reincarnating. The more he reincarnates the less memory he can recall, the harder for him to tell if it’s just a mere dream or it did happened. 

Heart clenched in fear, realizing the most fearful fact that he hopes he never discover. The more he chases Wooseok the less he can remember him. He remembers everything, how he was raised to how he died, but he can’t remember how he met Wooseok. How he fell in love with the younger male. At this turning point, he is scared he might not remember who Wooseok is. Mind hazed from the amount of chemicals ruining his sleep.  _ Too much alcohol _ , no more of that next time and drifted to unconsciousness.

Still the same cut of memory, it was him standing next to a tall pillar holding his palace strong. It was just him that day, everyone is away for a little nap in a cold autumn day. Wooseok was there standing not far away from him, but far enough to not noticing his presence. Another man walks to the consort,  _ who? I know his face. _

_ Seungyoun son of Consort Cho. His step brother. _ Walking in to usher all the maids away along with one consort sending a glare of look to his loved one. They conversed like an old friend,  _ they are. _ Wooseok laughed like he never did in front of another man. His stomach churned in annoyance, cringed at the thought of his husband showing that beautiful laughter to a man that is not him. Wooseok was his, and his only. His mind was clouded by jealousy, one thing that he might had inherited from his father.

_ “It has been awhile. You sure look even more beautiful than ever.”  _

Seungwoo frowned, his expression darkened like he never did before His heart was fueled with anger and jealousy, possessiveness ate him alive like maggots. He did not like the sight at all. He closed his eyes, calming down all his nerves. This was wrong and he was not supposed to think of any way to make Wooseok or his brother regretted. "This wasn't you Seungwoo. This wasn't you."

That day seemed only to be a bad day for him. He knew he should have controlled himself. Lashing out on maids and other officials only brought themselves to be more cautious around him. "I'm going to Consort Kim today."

"But we have yet to notify-"

"I want to go now. He is my consort. He doesn't need to be notified." Seungwoo slammed down the golden chopsticks on his hold and had the maids took away the midday meal served on the table. He walked out of the dining room and straight to the lawn of the palace. His horse was well prepared in a hurry to his sudden change of plan for the day—also a change for the mood of the day.

His mind wandered off to the when they saw them. Seungyoun was not supposed to return from the school so soon. His father informed him it would take him at least seven years to return. He was fine about him returning early, but he was not fine with the fact that his brother still harbored a romantic emotion toward his consort. His dear wife. His  _ one and only _ Kim Wooseok. He always knew about the brother falling in love with the latter. Seungwoo knew, but acted like he had no idea. All the wedding and sudden proposal—admittedly was an act out of jealousy and feeling of superiority. He was scared that Wooseok would fall in love with Seungyoun if he didn't act fast and claimed him. But now that he thought that over, does Wooseok really love him after all this time?

His arrival was obviously unexpected to all the consorts. All of them left their room in a hurry, greeting him as if they were waiting for him. No, he never did come for them. Just like any other King, they were an accessory to him. Marrying them out of obligations and political agreements. His heart always belonged to one person— _ Kim Wooseok. _ That might be what every single person living in the palace had found out about. Wooseok was the favorite, not ever the Empress. Or anyone else. That came to his realization how everyone else—the consorts and Empress—showed a distasteful treatment against his favorite bride. Seungwoo told him not to bother.  _ "You're still on a higher pedestal than them. Don't you worry about that, sweetheart." _ But he failed to realize how all his decisions had brought only misery to his dear one.

Eyes focusing on the very end of the line, Wooseok stood there with his head bowed down and eyes to the ground. He stopped and got off his high horse. The guard took his horse away and let him stepped into the garden. “Good evening, Consort Kim.” Wooseok looked up and smiled. “Welcome home, Your Majesty.”

* * *

The door slammed closed making the consort stunned on where he stood. He turned around as the Prince—who was now a King—sent him a glare. Something was wrong and the consort could feel that, transmitting a shiver down his spine. Wooseok started to think of all the things he might had disappoint the King or anything that could possibly did because of him or just  _ anything _ .

“How was your day, Wooseok?” The space between them was never this gauche. The voice—they way it glided off his tongue, the intonation, what might mean underneath. It was different. The mood was not good and King Han never been in a bad mood whenever he came to Wooseok. He came to relieve his stress, replenish the positive energy. Wooseok was supposed to be his source of happiness. But maybe, not today. “Like the usual. How about you, Seungwoo?” The said man smiled at his name mentioned. As if it was natural between them. Nobody, not a single soul, dared to call him by the name. Yet Kim Wooseok had all the luxury to call him by the name. It was an honor and Seungwoo liked it.

The smile slowly diminished into a cold stare. Wooseok could feel his hands were shaking from fear, he was not sure why, but he was scared. The atmosphere dropped, even worse when the season had changed and became colder. “For me it was a bad day apparently.” Surely did not sound pleasant, neither the way he spoke or might possibly his day. The consort stood there, obediently listened. “I heard you came to visit this morning.”

“Yes, Empress Mother asked me to come to make her some herbal tea this morning. She felt a little sick.” He did not dare to bat an eye from the floor. Whatever was coming for him, that night won’t be a night where he would sleep in peace. “Really? But I saw you at the back lawn,” his word stopped right there, giving the consort enough time to breathed in from the tense atmosphere. “With my  _ brother _ .”

Everything clicked and matched like missing pieces of the puzzle.

Breath hitched, he did not know why, but he was scared for his life. Not even once in his life he ever thought of making the Emperor mad at him. That was the last thing he would ever do—betraying the King. A low life like him should be grateful for the rest of his life that the King let him live comfortably and even went as far as picking him as his first wife, spoiled, and loved more than the others. He was aware of that, but sometimes things could get out of hand. He did not expect the King would get mad at his interaction with the brother.  _ Did he know that Seungyoun likes him? _ A part of him was terrified, a man like Han Seungwoo might do something drastic. He might do things that no one expected of him capable to do. This man is that exact boy who grew up with entitlement and power. He has everything,  _ literally everything _ , to have things go as he wishes for.

Even after years of their marriage, Wooseok never knew deeper about the King. He felt like he knew less off him, that he had no idea who was married to anymore. The difference in caste was putting boundaries between them. He wanted to love this man entirely, but it was hard when he could not accept the whole of him. Now that he was in this bad situation, when the King was unsatisfied, disappointed, and not pleased with his acts it slapped him to reality how their relationship was a mere fantasy to a commoner like him. Dreaming of being a consort to an Emperor. Living life to the fullest—happiness and love. He was too naive.

“Your Majesty, I swear to God, me and the Prince,” their eyes met. The look was so foreign, he did not recognize this man. His mind wandered.  _ Where the young and soft hearted Han Seungwoo had gone to? _ It pained him, afterall he was seemed to be no different from the father. Power did things to everyone, including the kind hearted ones. “ _ I swear to God _ , there was nothing going on between me and the Prince.” And a cold blow across his face threw him to the ground. His brain stopped working, simply from the amount of heat against his cheek. Breathed in deeply, his tears were urging to slipped out. He knew from the start he did not want any of this. 

“I’m sorry if that sounds like a lie to you.”

Wooseok felt so wronged. He never once had a change in his heart, but when the Emperor's brother stepped into his comfort zone without his acknowledgement suddenly it was all his fault. He never blamed the King when he spent less time with him. He never once censured the King when he decided to marry another consort. Never once,  _ not even once _ , he ever expressed his discontentment at the King whenever he could not sleep from the sound of him making love with another consort next to his room. His heart breaks every time, thinking despite being chosen as the first bride, the title was never really there. The King still demanded for more, as if he was not enough. It was just a simple conversation of the old days. Seungyoun had always been like that and the anger directed at him was as it were that he took it as a sign that Wooseok was a betrayer.

A tear slipped, eventually. His face was red from frustration. He got up from the floor, shedding off the disgrace Your Majesty had put above him. A lot of reasons why he was against this marriage. Too many comforts of a mind to sacrifice just for fleeting moments of romance. It was perhaps had long gone since the fifth consort. That Wooseok was no longer young and attractive, what all that left was obligation. Wooseok was never worth a cent aside from his physical appearance and his knowledge. Even a courtesan might worth more than him stripped off his luxurious robe. The thought only drown him even deeper, that he was less and even lesser. The slap really threw his fantasy out of the window. There might be no place for him in the palace anymore. It was only a matter of time until the Empress decided he was not worth the keep. She hated him with a burning passion, so it was only expected if she was the first and foremost person to push that idea.

_ Or maybe, she had successfully sold off the idea to the King. _

It was harder for him when he stepped out of the room with no respect to the Majesty, leaving him alone. The tree shade at the very back of the consort house was a place he went to when he had a bad day, or simply he needed a breath of fresh air. But today was simply not just a bad day. He had reached his peak of frustration wanting to get out of this holy royal prison. Nothing was left beautiful enough for him to stay. Not when the King himself no longer wanted him. He cried silently only for it to get harder for him to stop. It was a cry worth of years of sadness, pain, and resentment. All he wanted was to leave and pretended he had never been in this place. He wanted to take his mother who had long gone away from this place with him.

He had no one left, now that even the King abandoned him. It was emotionally breaking him apart. He did not understand a cent of it. All he could think of was, “I want to quit.” He muttered between the cry.

The moonlight reflected on the pond, calmly rippling giving him a much more steady pace for his heart to beat with. He cried as much as he could and let all the stress out and about. It felt a lot better, but definitely yet to fix anything. At least he felt better though never felt like one. Catering such a toxic view of self really murdered his self-worth. He wanted to be a better person, but sometimes he had no power to do that. Too many things to sacrificed, too many people he might hurt.

"Wooseok," that familiar voice rang through his ear, sending couple of jolts to his nervous system. The waves of sadness came back just like how his tears pooled at the brim of his eyes. All he needed was time alone for himself to clean his thoughts, why couldn't the King leave him alone?

He could hear the grass and slow paced steps behind him. He refused to look back and saw him in the eye. To tell how much the King had hurt him. To tell how much pain he had gone through just to be able to see the King. He asked nothing more of that, he only wanted the King to know. That he was always loyal and never bat an eye on any man. He kept his promises just like in their wedding ceremony. It was an oath that he took by heart and soul.

A warm figure enveloped him in a tight hug, burying his face at the crook of consort's neck. His arms were strong and wrapped around the consort so dearly—he could not handle the fact that half of his soul was crying painfully because of him. His heart broke, after realizing what had happened. The cloud of anger and jealousy got the best of him, forgetting that there was a person he should have protected not to hurt. "I'm sorry." His voice was hoarse and full of remorse. It was like needles cutting through his throat that every single word felt painful. The consort laid a hand on top of his, warm and tender. “You don’t need to, Your Majesty.”

"I don't deserve you." He said again. This time it was raw emotion running through his veins and heart beat like crazy. Wooseok was so small in his tight hug, fragile like a beautiful magnificent glass bead. 

"Please don't feel that way."

"No, I hurt you. I could have been better. I want to be better for you. But I was scared that you will leave me for Seungyoun. I was scared because I could not love anyone but you."

Wooseok turned around, apt to see the Emperor and looked at him in the eyes. The consort’s dark brown orbs were the most beautiful thing he ever laid his eyes on. His eyes were calming, gentle, and soft. It never meant any harm and only cherishing what he saw in front of him.  _ Wooseok was always only looking at him _ . He still had his good nature after all. Wooseok ran his palms stroking the King's cheek with his eyes still bloated from the amount of crying. Seungwoo was hurting from the sight, his heart broke into pieces. Seeing the love of his life crying so painfully, his eyes were red and glimmering in tears left from the scars he created. "Sweetheart.  _ I'm very sorry for hurting you _ ." The apology never stopped. The more he looked at his consort the more guilty he became. His mind was about to lose itself. He did not deserve this beautiful creature. He was a monster for losing himself to his own ego.

Foreheads pressed with each other. The sound of crickets filled the tension between them. Seungwoo pulled him closer by the waist, closing the gap between them. His lips landed softly on top of the latter's. Wooseok closed his eyes slowly, embracing every single moment between them. Everything went so fast. The fight was intense, but they made up like they had been gone from each other's life for a long time. Wooseok breathed out and closed the gap between them again, letting himself engulfed in the King's warm hug. Seungwoo tilted his head, deepening the passionate kiss they shared. Lips locked, tongues fought for dominance. Wooseok was trained to accept most of the time of his life. Despite his detestment toward the ideality, the King Han was the only person he would submit himself to. He would do anything under the name of love to the King. He trusted Seungwoo to treated him right like how much he worth of.

And at the end of the day, he would always get more than what he thought he deserved.

* * *

Back enveloped in a warm embrace of the man. The consort could not sleep. Everything felt like a lie to him. He lied to everyone including himself. It was guilt and remorse. Heels of his palms pressing against the nook of his eyes, quietly bawled his eyes far off from the sleeping figure of the majesty. Not wanting the Emperor heard another cry from him. Tears jerking non-stop, almost suffocating that he needed to take a break between the cry to breathed in fresh air.  _ Inhale, then exhale. _ His mind wandered off to nowhere,  _ stale _ , to no place, just the sad things in his life that he was ungrateful for. Kim Wooseok—is actually weaker than he seemed to be. He was a man with words; that always contradicts. Simply put, saying the contradicts to comfort his little heart of hope.

A lot of time he would keep things to himself, not wanting to burden a single man.  _ Nor even this man. _ He stared longingly at the small pond and beautiful garden right outside his room, letting the moonlight poured its light and covered him in shimmering shadow from the top of his hair to the tip of his feet. Sighing with so much anguish, gripping his robe tight to feel the pain in his chest. The King was sleeping peacefully on top of the soft duvet, not noticing the love of his life was gone from his side. It had been years and he was still feeling unhappy—when he was supposed not to. A heart string pulled the more he thought of the guilt.

He came to the palace for more than reasons today. The Empress was not fond of him, she resented him for more than he was worth. Every consort did, knowing he was the favorite. The most loved. They were jealous and the treatment toward him was severe. The King never knew,  _ and shall never know of this.  _ He cried for so long already that he was tired. No matter how much affirmation given there was too much of a burden to carry.

_ "The consort lady Kim, she passed away." Wooseok gasped, unknowing of the truth to his mother's passing. It was too sudden and he barely had a chance to see his mother after a long while. His mother after the old King replaced, she went away to the town next to theirs and lived her life alone. She chose to cut ties with all the royals, because she was no longer one. Wooseok never supported that idea, telling his mother he will do his best to keep her living in comfort, but she declined all the luxury offered that not even him as a son could say much to that. _

_ "Wh-what happened?" The doctor looked at him with a look of so much grief and guilt. They had known for so long, his mentor, held his hand and pulled him into a hug. He did not want to hear a single of it, but he deserved to know. "I'm afraid it's—" _

_ Wooseok could hardly contain himself. He looked away, back facing the mentor. Tears fell down, he really did not want to hear any of it. He wanted to believe his mother died from sickness. Yet she was too healthy to even died from poxes. "It's poisoning. Suicide." It was unfair to him. He felt so wronged, it felt empty inside him. They promised to stay alive for each other. His mother promised him she will be happy with what she had now because he was happy with his life now. _

No matter how much he tried to tell himself to live, it was hard. The longer he slept, it only gave him more nightmares. It was not because he was ungrateful, but he now had lost all the purpose in his life.

It was then the King wake up from his long and peaceful slumber, eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Lunging over to his lover hung low right above the cocoon of his duvet, tears dried from too much crying. Body pale and rigid—freezing cold from the absence of soul and mind. Fingertips were turning blue and all he could think of how his world had fallen apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got so dark real fast......sorry


	5. Missing Puzzles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ He knows some pieces of puzzles were gone, but he can’t even remember what lost. As if God wants him to keep doing the same mistakes that he will never receive a peace of heart. _

_ A curse _ . Yet, somehow it felt a lot worse than what he expected it to be. Waking up to the imagery of Wooseok, hanging low in front of him is the last thing he expects from the curse. He is cursed. It has been centuries at least. Going through the same cycle over and over again, but that log of memory never appeared before while some memories did disappear. He knows some pieces of puzzles were gone, but he can’t even remember what lost. As if God wants him to keep doing the same mistakes that he will never receive a peace of heart.

_ He wants to fix everything. He really wants to. He is tired of repeating the same life. Putting his all to avoid the mistakes he knew would ruin the end, but still come to the same exact end either way. _

His stomach still churns from the sickening amount of alcohol. The cold shower does not help, instead his body trembles really hard at the vivid films of memory going through with every single one of the nerves in his brain. Breath hitches and fear almost eats him alive. When that dreams replayed like an old  _ broken _ tape at the back of his head, it is the moment— _ he is not going to lose Wooseok again _ . Not even in this life, or even the next one life he has left.

Seungwoo tightly grips to the steering wheel as he drives through the rain. It's a cold autumn with still the slight heat off of the summer. The air conditioning is turned off, but his body shivers like it's winter. He can't think of anything else, but Wooseok. Heart beats like a race car and nothing else matters anymore. He wants to see Kim Wooseok. Making sure he is alive, breathing, still looking beautiful like he uses to and happy—without him for the past few months. The road to Wooseok's place supposedly to be far enough to give him a headache at every jammed pack traffic. But today, his temper is a lot shorter. It's worse.

Car turns and twists around the corner, parked in a hurry in the basement. He gets off the vehicle and walks incredibly fast, sweating off the worries and nightmares he kept getting from the past weeks. But suddenly his bravery quits as he stands in front of the apartment door. He does not want to ruin Wooseok's day by showing off his face. Seungwoo ponders to himself if he really wants to see Wooseok.  _ Does Wooseok want to see him? _

Finger slowly presses the bell, without much thought. The dream replays again and again. Creating this sickening cycle of vultures at the pit of his stomach. Eyes dilated like he was so dearly scared.  _ He is scared of losing Wooseok. _ The door opens and Wooseok stands there behind the door slightly ajared. "Hyung?" His voice is soft yet hoarse. Seungwoo still can see the smaller man hiding behind the door, only showing half of his face.  _ He was wearing Seungwoo's old shirt. T _ he one he left after they had too many love making in the past. Somehow he forgot it exists, but now seeing Wooseok comfortably wears it somehow reminds him of it.

"Wooseok, I-"

He is standing there like a coward.  _ Seungwoo is a fucking coward, look at him now nervous over things like this.  _

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I know I don't deserve you. You don't deserve all the treatments I gave you. But," Seungwoo heaves a heavy breath, shaking. "I realized it. I can't live without you. I was so scared of losing you, that I-I keep having n-nightmares of-"

"Of me, dying?" Wooseok picks up where he stutters. They are a match made in heaven on so many aspects. Seungwoo never notices that until his mind brings himself back to the way Wooseok completes every part of him. Wooseok knows what he tries to convey. He pieces back the empty heartache whenever he had one, and filled it back with as much love. Wooseok is a half if not a whole of him.

But it took him so long to realize, the important ones are always the one quietly helps you cross through the storm.

Wooseok opens the door and invites him inside. "It's cold outside _ , _ " Wooseok says as he steps back then walks to the living room. He sits there glancing up and down at the older male, watching Seungwoo fidgeting in his seat. "You dreamt of it too?" He starts the conversation. Seungwoo nods, connecting the dots. Somehow he knows, no matter how irrational and illogical it is. He might not know what the younger male is talking about, but his heart docks on the right place.

"It was until last night I dreamt of me dying and you're crying days and nights for me. I thought it was ridiculous." Wooseok breathes and sits closer to the older male. His small frame is engulfed by the oversized shirt—Seungwoo's shirt–that the older can barely see his shorts. " _ Because you never will. You never love me." _ His voice comes out like a whisper, leaming his face to the couch as he softly looks at the male in the eye.

No, he is wrong. Seungwoo realizes how wrong that is, when shakes his head in disagreement. Palms cupping the latter's cheeks, staring down with an angst gaze. "You're wrong, Wooseok. I love you. I love you so much, that I don't deserve you at all." Voice shaking, eyes wet from tears glistening the surface of his oculus. Wooseok does not reciprocate. He is sitting there, deep in thoughts. Mind flies off the window as Seungwoo pulls him into a hug, so tight that it might suffocates him. He stills there like a ragdoll, trying to convince himself that this is not a dream. Not another dream of manifestation—of him and the King Han.  _ It was no longer about them, two royals, falling in love. That story ends centuries ago. _

It's him, a mere young lad with big dreams, and Han Seungwoo the man of the world. The man he has longed for since they were young. The man he cries for whenever he knows they will have no chance of being together. His first crush after discovering truth in himself—kicking himself out of the closet and realizes he is different than anyone else and it's not unfair. The world just loves him more and knows Kim Wooseok is stronger than he looks.

"Don't say that." Wooseok breaks the heart,  _ he will not cry today _ , he tells himself. They look at each other, with a smile grazes upon them. It takes them a milestone to get to this point. It was hard, but the storm makes them stronger. Seungwoo deeply stares at the fine lad in front of him, chuckling before he closes the gap between them for a chaste, yet loving kiss. _ "You're the most beautiful. You know that?" _

Wooseok still looks at him in disbelief. "Hyung,"

  
"Yes, baby?" Wooseok stares back at him with tears slip off. His chest raises and breathes out an ease.  _ He is not dreaming _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there'll be a surprise at the epilogue! :D


	6. Epilogue: Heart and Spade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wooseok is always one step ahead, but Seungwoo can always catch up with him.

“Wooseok- _ hyung _ , take Dongpyo to the escape room.” Wooseok ponders for a while, trying to figure out what escape room is the taller talking about. Yohan sighs as he pulls both of them toward the master’s bedroom. He pushes off the huge wardrobe covering the other side of the wall, putting it up against the bathroom door. “Get in.” He rushes to the coffee table, pulling out a gun and several bits more of bullets from a small pocket nearby.

Yohan gazes over to the two lads and puts in more bullets under his blazer. He knows they are coming over soon or later. He knows the risk of accepting the former commander with an open arms and he is always ready for it. The escape room is not for nothing, neither emergency situation. It was well prepared for the possibilities he has calculated way before. Wooseok opens the metal door to the escape room and bends down scanning the small path to the chamber. He glances at Dongpyo signaling the younger male to walk in and Wooseok follows suit. They found another small door, enough to fit one slim body through it.

_ Wait, a minute. _

The former commander rushes out from the small door with a horrified look. “Kim Yohan are you crazy?” they can hear the agents are coming in one by one, with a not so unseemly through the front door of the apartment building. “Just go in.” Wooseok walks to him and pulls out another gun from under the bed. He knows this is going to happen, but that escape room is out of the calculation. It had taken him back for a while realizing how the escape room had never been designed for Yohan to protect himself. With only such a small room fitting two people and that is Son Dongpyo, the other possible option is him. With such a huge figure of the healer there would be no way he will fit in with the younger brother.

When he said Kim Yohan is crazy, he doesn’t mean  _ this _ kind of crazy. They could hear the sound of harsh steps of the hard soiled sole stepping against the wooden floor. It rings through the entire building and it gives him a chill to the spine. Wooseok pulls the trigger, but Yohan stands up from the mattress. “This isn’t the time yet for you to fight. Go inside, then leave the apartment through the other door inside that escape room.”

“No, I’m not going to-”

“Just listen to what I said for once will you?” The healer doesn’t look like he is going to tolerate any excuses from anybody. Wooseok looks at him with a daring look, but maybe he is right. It is not the right time for him yet to either hurt himself or die. He has to stay alive till the end to make sure he can end everything at once. He walks inside the door, closing it. He can hear Yohan pushes the wardrobe back to its place locking the door intact to the wall and securing everything inside it. The voices from the outside echoing through the dark pathway to the safe room. But somehow he doesn’t feel safe despite that.

Noises coming and loud shots heard from the outside. His body jolts at every shot and he can feel the pain every time the sound of a body drops heard. “Where is he?” Straightforward, with such a cold tone to his voice. Very familiar, but difference. “He left. You’re ten minutes late. As per usual, he is always a step further than you.”

A chuckle echoes. His heart wrenches at the voice, hating how much emotion involved in such a petty thing. “Only one step? not much of a difference. I can always catch up you know,  _ Kim Wooseok _ ?” The voice of his former teammate, a best friend, and— _ a lover  _ echoes like a warning to him. 

  
— _ to be continued in  _ ** _Major Arcana_ ** _ . _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, stay tuned on ** Major Arcana **. Teehee.
> 
> Oh and, Happy Birthday to the best boy #Happy_Wooseok_Day


End file.
